I delete posts that are negative and hurtful.

And write new ones with a little less of a bad attitude.

Thoughts I'm thinking right now:
1. All I want to do is read my book and forget my responsibilities.
2. All I want to do is sleep.
3. If I look away long enough, will my problems disappear?
4. Heidi-Molly chats are therapeutic.

Dear God,

I know you didn't promise life would be easy, but really? 

I know you said you'd never leave me but its really hard to feel you right now.

I know you told me you'd never give me more than I can handle....but I think you have too much confidence in me.

I know I need an attitude adjustment, but tonight, and this week, and this month have just been really HARD, God. 

Too hard?

I don't think so. I'm still kickin, so obviously I can take a few more kicks. Just take it easy for a little while, would you?

I love you.

I can't wait to see you someday.

Molly

Magic

As I search for something fresh to say in the midst of all my overused Christian rhetoric and reasoning, I'm starting to wonder if the repetition of such sayings is what helps them stick.  God is good all the time, no matter how many times I upset Him and make stupid decisions and go back on my word and say mean things and forget about Him in my daily routine. But the more I say God is good all the time, the easier it is to remember when I'm going about my little bustling activity-filled day.  Each time I'm able to remember it, or even just think His name, the more ready I am to make a right decision, pick the positive, Godly choice over the one that's unwise. So I'm not discounting the cheesiness these days.
I've got the magic in me....thanks to Him who gives me strength.
Homework times.
Molly

I confess:

I was going to read my Bible tonight and I let other things distract me.

I might be more emotionally attached than I admit.

I am disappointed and hurt.

I'm scared out of my mind about this semester.

I ate too much and badly today. No, Stephen, I really did.

I'm too dramatic.

I'm a gossip.

I am worldly.

I sin.

I was so excited to be back and now I'm already homesick.

He has been so good to me

I have nothing really to say, I just wanted to express my joy that the Lord gave me this day. :)

Prayer is not a last resort, or an immediate fix. But it is THE answer to whatever you're struggling with. Give that to God and its taken care of! This is not a gimmick, or a solution that sometimes works. It's a promise from the most faithful Father I know. I am in awe all the time because He is wonderful.

What the Efron?!

I just got finished watching Charlie St. Cloud...I rather like movies that make me think, and while this was far from a thinking movie (although they tried pretty hard to clothe it like one), it was definitely entertaining.  Mostly because of Zac's shirtless body. I didn't even notice the instances of trite dialogue or predictable plot line! Okay well I noticed, but it didn't detract. I like veiny arms. Like, not bluey, sick-looking, old-man arms, but young and veiny and muscley and mmmmmmmm.

Yeah I'm gonna stop now.

Time to run 5 miles for the first time ever!!! I'm so pumped.

10 things I hate about you

1. The way I feel right now.
2. The way I felt yesterday and a lot of the days before that.
3. Memories.
4. Insecurity.
5. Withdrawal.
6. Nervousness.
7. Confusion.
8. The sheer unknown.
9. The fact that it bothers me enough to make this list.
10. The fact that this list reminds me of that stupid Miley Cyrus song.

Anyone have some nail polish remover I can borrow?

My mommy made me a bath before bed tonight. I was going to go to sleep early, but this bath was WORTH IT. I feel so warm and clean. And now my nails are painted and my legs are shaved and I am shivery with simple gladness.


I have been blessed beyond measure. It astonishes me how ungrateful I am all the time, and how selfish and downhearted and cynical I can be. Its really the worst way to live, and if I'm being honest, I'm mostly content with the things in my life.  Granted, there are things I would change, but obviously my plans pale in comparison to God's...and I learned a lesson in trusting Him and His plan today which I will share with you presently.


I wrote last night about a roadtrip. It was going to be to the house of a male friend of mine, we'll call him Friendly Fred. When he first asked, I thought he was joking, so I joked back that I'd grab a plane ticket with all my spare cash laying around and be right there.  He lives about 9 hours away by car, and after my initial quip, he responded that he could pay my gas if I really wanted to go. With eyebrows raised I began to consider it. 


I don't have work this Thursday and Friday....If I left after work Wednesday I could be there around midnight and have all weekend to hang out.
Does this mean he likes me because he's asking me to visit? Is he asking other girls/guys too?
What about his partying habits? Am I going to be uncomfortable with the possible activities?
Thats still a lot of money to drive there and back...I don't know if I'm willing to go through the awkwardness of letting him pay without actually being my boyfriend or anything.
What if I get lost?? I am bad with complicated directions! I'll be driving in the dark by myself.
I need to do something crazy because I'm young! When am I ever going to be single with a car and a guy offering to pay for me to come spend the weekend with him in a new and exotic-sounding place ever again?
I don't know. I just don't know.


So I voiced a few of these concerns and he kindly allayed some of my fears:
I've made a ton of money this summer, so its not a big deal.
We can go to Six Flags on Friday! And I have a pool and two sweet puppies!
Just don't tell my youth minister about the Six Flags thing. He'd get ideas about us, you know?
You'd have a room to yourself.
I'll help you if you get confused, just call me.
Oh, and my parents won't be home.


....Friendly Fred with the pool and the puppies say WHAT?? Now I am uncomfortable. Combine my history and his and you have a VERY dangerous situation if he is asking me to come as more than a friend. So at this point I'm half convinced/pressured into making the decision to come, and half SUUUPER hesitant. Also, what is all this with the mixed signals? Two months ago he offered to meet me in Dallas cause I'd be there anyway and we would stay at his grandparents house. But I didn't push it and he didn't mention it after the initial invite, and he ended up not coming to Dallas that weekend at all. And he acted disappointed, but if he liked me that much he'd make the effort, right? And what is this about the youth minister and six flags?? I had a few thoughts when he said that:
A) I don't even know your youth minister. Are we going to be...hanging out with him? Cause I don't care, but when did he even come into the picture?
B) If I don't know him, I probably don't know him well enough to describe my outings to him.
C) Six Flags is a friendly thing to do, Friendly Fred. I don't consider going there even a date necessarily. Especially with a group. We will be with a group, right?
D) If you wanted to make sure people don't think we're a thing...try NOT inviting me to stay at your house while your parents are gone. DUUUUUHH.


Anyway, I'm just weirded out by the whole thing and at the same time getting angry with myself for being a pansy. When I fell asleep, I had NO idea what I should do. So I gave it to God. I prayed earnestly for Him to make my decision clear, and I told Him I would listen for His answer and accept it no matter what.


And literally the thing that woke me up this morning was a text from Friendly Fred saying his parents were in fact going to be home, and what's more, bringing his grandma/other obscure family member(s) home with them. Which meant the guestroom would be taken, and his parents didn't like the idea of me coming (and probably being a nuisance) when Friendly Fred and I aren't even dating. He sounded really angry about it when we talked. But I was relieved; so SO relieved.


That answer was too easy not to accept. I just love Him.

Whirlwind

I am a college kid. I am young, I have a car, I have free time, I have friends in other places.... So what better way to utilize all these resources than a ROADTRIP?

This is crazy. It may not happen. I'm nervous.

I need to do it for the sake of being young!

More updates later.

P.S. SO excited for sister day tomorrow :) I have our itinerary planned out and it is gonna be BALLIN.

Love.

Playlist of happiness

Running playlist:
Defying Gravity--Glee cast
Halo/Walkin on Sunshine--Glee cast
Your love is my drug--Ke$ha
Sweet Tangerine--The Hush Sound
Far Away--Ingrid Michaelson
Half of my Heart--John Mayer
Everything Falls--Fee
I'd Rather be with You--Joshua Radin
Sky--Joshua Radin
This is the Last Time--Keane
Leaving so soon?--Keane
The Lost get Found--Britt Nicole
Walk on the Water--Britt Nicole
All Along--Remedy Drive
Here we Go Again--Demi Lovato

These fifteen songs are the audible version of my soul right now. I love every little quirk of this playlist, and it makes me want to run ALL THE TIME.

That is all. I'm about to keep myself up another half hour to work my abs and legs :)
Thank you, Jesus, for this beautiful, wonderful day. I love you!

Molly

List time

I am a lister. I list when I'm stressed. I list when I'm relaxed. I list when I'm happy, depressed, anxious, excited, tired, bored, nervous....you get the picture. For example, I listed things that made me happy on twitter today.
Here's a sort of continuation:

10 reasons I am alive:
1) To serve the Lord
2) To be silly with my sister
3) To always have my friends' backs
4) To learn what the word L-O-V-E means
5) To run til I fall over from endorphins and exhaustion
6) To appreciate good music
7) To cook my favorite healthy foods
8) To play in the sunshine with my kiddos
9) To pick out pretty things like new blog layouts and apartment decorations and blouses.
10) To worship at all times.

I thought you should know. :)
Til then,
Molly

Only the Lonely

Titling something before its written seems a bit premature. This time especially, since I have no inspiration or even an idea about what is about to be said. So....don't expect greatness with this blog post.

Almost every emotion possible + a huge cup of joe + too much sugar + a stressful day and sleepless night = a rather uncomfortable Molly. These things are jumbling around in my poor stomach, which is feebly attempting to digest it all. I feel...like I'm closing up. My walls are becoming airtight and I'm so afraid that this time no one's ever going to break in. The fact that I have nothing to say about these emotions says volumes. It means I'm distancing myself from...myself, and when that happens I become a fake shell of a Molly and I feel helpless to do anything about it.  It also makes me feel farther away from God, which I KNOW is the last place I need to be. He has given me all the tools I need, made straight my path, and shown me exactly what he wants from me. Why then is it so hard to accept and move on while remaining open and whole-feeling?  Why are the right choices sometimes the ones that break me?

I've been on the verge of tears all day. Some part of me knows that in the loneliness I can come closer to the Father, but that sounds easier than it is actually put into practice. Is a drama-free week too much to ask for? Seems like it.

On a lighter note, I have decided to work strength training into my routine. Muscle burns more than fat, so P90X...here I come. Its a little bit fun to be a health nut. I WILL wear a bikini without reservation at some point in my life. Mmmm thats probably a vain thing to say. Although maybe I'm a totally vain and shallow person altogether and thats why I don't feel torn apart by all the emotions.... yeah, we'll go with that. At least if I'm shallow it means I'm not a complete mental wreck.

My puppies are so sweet and serene right now. They love to sleep in my bed with me when no one's home to reprimand them. Its actually hard to type cause I'm concentrating so hard on not disturbing them.  Penny Anne is biting something in her dream, and periodically I'll feel a little growl-type-noise from her stomach as it reverberates through my thigh. What a cutie. Even devil-Buddy is saintly as he sleeps. Aw and when they sigh all contentedly it makes my day so much better. I want babies so much. *sigh*

Til next time
Molly

This is my time-out for the day. :)

  In all my dealings with children, I find myself learning how to be a parent more and more, and at the same time learning more about myself and God's relationship with me.
  I try really hard to follow my own advice, the most significant of which being "Make good choices." I tell that to my kids aaaaalll the time, and they know when I say that it means they should think before they act in a way they know I will reprimand them for.  If I tell one of my kids not to scream in the house, and they go right back into the living room and let rip an ear-piercing squeal, its immediately obvious that they have made a wrong choice. When it comes to my own, more adult actions and decisions, however, things get messy. My brain tends to rationalize my actions and make right and wrong seem complicated, blurring the lines so most everything is grey; but if I'm honest with myself, sometimes I just flat out make bad choices. There are days when I have to say, "Mol, you're not making good choices today. You need to straighten up or go to time-out." It comes down to self-control, which I can tell you is a skill that can be applied to most of my life's issues at this point. Needless to say, I'm working on its development.
  Something you learn really quickly when working with kids under age 10 is to keep the directions SIMPLE. The kids are not going to get much more than a snooze if you try to give them a paragraph-style lecture on how to make their craft.  You have to take things one step at a time, one simple task at a time, and while its often easy for the kids to see the end result, sometimes they can't tell what the whole picture is going to look like, and in their ignorance they try to jump ahead. I feel like this is exactly how God works with me sometimes. He can see what the finished product of my life is going to be, and He gives me simple tasks and simple instructions to help me get there.  Too often I play the independent 6-year-old and want to skip ahead; but continually He reminds me that I am nothing and He is everything, I am a servant to my Master, and He will lead me through each step of the process if I stop over-thinking everything and let Him take me. This type of patience is very hard to come by, and I can see more clearly than I'd like to that God is veeery gradually teaching it to me in all its forms.
  Patience and self-control. I'm getting there.

Its been awhile

So it has been awhile since I've updated. Quite awhile. Almost two months? Weird. It got to the point in Peru that I just didn't have time to think of a witty way to put my thoughts in order, and I just prayed when I needed to vent. I think my parents were the only ones that read it anyway....and I think I Skyped them enough to keep them well-informed.
Here's what I'm thinking: I'm going to copy and paste the letter I'm sending to the people that supported my trip to Peru and that way you and I can both have a nice concise wrap-up of the last three weeks in Lima. Enjoy.

Dear friends,

                First of all, thank you so much for the support you have so generously given me, and the trust you offered me so readily.  I don’t have the words to describe how much the trip to Peru meant to me personally and spiritually.  After a few weeks of being home and being able to relax with my family, I felt it was very much time to send you all an update on the adventures I had this summer in Peru.  As you know, the trip to Lima was organized by the Spanish department at Harding University, specifically Ava Conley, department chair.  She and her husband Bill, along with Bob Brown who visited for ten days and led a conference at the church, have been some of the strongest Christians and most influential examples in my life. Their leadership and calm guidance throughout the trip was a learning experience in itself, and I am glad to have had the opportunity to work with them.

 The most important lesson I learned about missionary life was the necessity to be flexible and patient at all times. Your work depends on your relationships with the people, and a lot of times we had to change our expectations to fit other people's needs. Our team trained for about 16 weeks to prepare ourselves for presenting basic Bible studies to Spanish-speaking non-Christians.  We came to Lima with the expectation of following up on 22 World Bible School contacts that had been previously established, and then hopefully creating more connections and studies with the help of the members of the church.  However, once we got there, it soon became clear that our plans needed to change drastically.  Very few of the contacts responded to our invites, and of those that did, even fewer came continuously to study with us throughout the 5 weeks we were there.  After initial discouragement, our passion was renewed with the arrival of Bob Brown and the beginning of the conference (very similar to a gospel meeting) held the 27^th through the 30^th of May.  Bob is one of the most dynamic people I have ever met, and he preached with such an inspiring passion that we had a baptism on that Sunday, a man named Julio who had been studying and worshipping with the church some months before we arrived. 

Bob and Ava had many discussions about what we as a mission team were going to do next; few of us had reliable Bible studies in the evenings and it left us feeling like we should be doing more.  They made a decision to refocus the goal of the trip, and we shifted our objective to the teaching and revitalization of the congregation.  They seemed to have few practical tools for evangelizing, so rather than conduct the Bible studies ourselves, we began to teach the Peruvians what it had taken us a semester to learn.  They loved talking about the Scriptures and learning what questions were appropriate to ask, and how to broach tough subjects like infant baptism.  We prayed a lot about this shift in focus, and came to the conclusion that it was much like the old saying, “If you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, but teach a man to fish, and he’ll eat for a lifetime.”  Our hope is that the San Isidro congregation will continue to reach out to the community around them and grow even more in the love that we saw demonstrated so graciously during our stay.

It may be common for a missionary to feel this way, but I saw my own personal spiritual life grow and be positively affected by this mission trip almost more than I felt I had affected others.  I know we made an impact and did the Lord’s work with a spirit of humility, but simply being in an environment where everyone’s focus was God’s purpose and God’s will 24/7 was more uplifting than any experience I have had until now.  It’s difficult to explain the strength of the relationships that were formed, both within the team and among the members of the congregation, because the time we spent together was so unique.  Even at Harding, where the vast majority of people believe similarly and have God’s will in mind, you can’t get the same experience as I have had being in such a different culture with what seems like few allies, away from family and friends and our familiar comfort zone.  We expanded our horizons in so many ways, through visiting museums, trying a fraction of the enormous variety of food (a month is not nearly long enough to experience all the types of Peruvian food), shopping in Inca markets, taking pictures by the ocean, and just hanging out with people of a different culture.  I wish I could take up more of your time telling some of the anecdotes and interesting things that happened along the way, but I’m sure you don’t need a novel.

Thank you again for the chance to experience this wonderful country, and see God’s glory in a whole new way.

Que Dios te bendiga, y muchas gracias otra vez!

In Christ,

Molly Brooks

Peru #4

I am alive! Its a miracle. I think I ate something that didn't agree with me on Thursday, and I was slightly dehydrated on top of that, so yesterday....I pretty much stayed in bed ALL day and threw up every once in awhile. No shower, nothing productive done, and on top of everything, my internet connection went out in the middle of the day. I've been trying to download the new episode of Grey's (I had to download an entirely new program and learn how to use something called torrents) because Hulu and Abc.com don't stream outside of the US, and I'm about to rip my face off with anticipation. Right now I am sitting in the little dining room area of our hotel, and watching Joseph prepare for his first Spanish Bible study ever! He is so excited about being here, which helps me stay positive when I get homesick. He has a lot more confidence than me when talking to the locals; he's bold enough to talk to all the cab drivers, market vendors, and people on the street we encounter. Ah! The family just arrived here to study the Bible and I'm so excited. Their names are Roberto, Jardin, and Magdalena and I already love them. Joseph is freakin out. More later.
<3
Molly
P.S. I've found that freshly washed towels here smell like doughnuts. Weird.

Later:
Todavia me duele mi estomago mucho ahora (My stomach is still hurting a lot). Joseph and I are listening to the alphabet song.... The alphabet is easy to learn! Speak in rhythm each letter gets a turn! And now we know the Spanish alphabet. <3

Peru #3

Some other cultural observations of note: The sizes of the food (los tamanos de la comida) are much smaller here; especially the drinks. When you order a medium combo of anything, you get what would be a junior size soft drink. Maybe its cause they don't have ice. Also, almost anyone you talk to is very friendly if you approach them, although they may have a look of discontent on their face before you start talking. They all want to understand you, and I'm getting much better at interpreting the rapid speech I encounter every time I speak to a local.  I feel like in America its more often the opposite, like someone might smile at you and seem friendly, but in reality they would rather not have a conversation.
  Hablas castellano? Si? Si! Hablas bien, pero quiero practicar mi ingles. I have heard that more often than I thought I would, and what usually follows is a conversation in which I speak mostly castellano (Spanish), and he or she speaks mostly English. That happened with a vendor today at the market we went to, and the girl was so nice, I didn't even feel like bargaining with her. I know she probably thought I was a stupid American for taking the first price she offered, but when she told me she was taking classes to make her English better so her daughter would have more opportunities, my heart melted. I am a little proud that almost all my souvenir shopping is done, though.
We went to McDonald's today, and it was interesting because McDonald's is one of the cleanest, nicest places to eat in the whole city. The best part about the trip was the mayonnaise, oddly enough. It had more flavor than normal mayonnaise, and I used it to dip my nuggets in. I thought about what Sara would say if she saw me eating something other than ranch on my chicken. :)
I think this evening we will hand out more brochures/flyers on the street corners with the young people from the church, seeing as Cesar (a neurosurgeon here in Lima and preacher at the church) has not given Ava the list of potential contacts for Bible studies yet. This is a picture of the street corner near Tottus that we stood at to hand out flyers last night:

Its actually on the bridge next to the street corner, but you can see the "ttus" of Tottus up in the left corner in blue. I am beginning to really love this city.

So far everyone we've met here has been absolutely wonderful. Our little youth group (comprised mostly of university students) includes Cindi, Mikael, Magnum, Geraldo, Julio, Carmen, and Miguel, or Miki (son of Cesar). Miki has worn this black-and-white houndstooth scarf every day that Joseph has been eyeing, and today we found one at a street kiosk for only 10 soles! Thats about 3 dollars. He also got me a matching one (mine's hot pink and black) and the lady gave us both for a discount. He is so excited about matching Miki tonight when we see him.
Funny story. On Tuesday, when we first met the youth at the church, Joseph and Mikael became fast friends. I also am quite enamored with Mikael and his girlfriend Cindi, because Mikael was deaf and now has a cochlear implant (its so hard to translate the speech-pathology jargon I know in English, but I try), and Cindi is studying to be a nurse (enfermera) and she tells me about the healthcare system here all the time. Anyway, we were at Tottus (similar to a Walmart Supercenter), and Mikael and Joseph suddenly went off a little ways by themselves. I saw Joseph look up at me and laugh and I knew exactly what they were talking about. As Joseph tells it, this is what their conversation went like (a translation, of course):
Mikael: Is Molly your girlfriend?
Joseph: No, haha
M: Your sister?
J: No
M: Your cousin?
J: No
M: Your best friend?
J: Well, closer to best friend than girlfriend.
M: You want her to be, though.
J: No, no, thats not going to happen.
M: You could pray to God for it to happen!
J: hahahahahahah
M: Well, whatever the case, (and this he actually said partly in English) you would make beautiful pareja (couple).
So then Joseph comes to tell me all of this, and not even five minutes after he tells me, Mikael pulls him over again and says
Mikael: You know why I say that?
Joseph: Ummm, no?
M: Because of your faces. Your faces estan enamorados. (are in love)
Needless to say, Joseph and I have had a good laugh about all this, and are very comfortable pretending to be novios (boyfriend/girlfriend) just to freak people out. I call him Carino or Amorcito, and he calls me Querida. Or in English we say "muffincakes" and "honeybunches." Its altogether very entertaining, and useful if I happen to get whistled at on the sidewalk. All Joseph has to do is throw an arm around me and they hush up. Too bad his eyes are closed in this picture. I love it. :)
Hasta luego,
Molly

Peru #2

Things I have noticed so far:
1. You literally might die in a taxi. Saying these drivers are crazy is the understatement of the year.
2. When they say sausage ("salchicha"), they mean hot dog. We have hot dog slices for breakfast.
3. They don't put ice in any of their drinks. Which is weird.
4. If you turn on the bidet without actually being on it, expect it to shoot water WAY up to the ceiling.
5. Everyone walks everywhere. (Except for near-fatal taxi rides)
6. People speak quickly. Keep up.
7. Pizza is the same internationally.
8. They WILL clean your hotel room every day, like it or not.
9. Most people are friendly if you initiate something.
10. If you're a girl, you have to kiss everyone on the cheek when greeting or leaving.

So basically, I'm not yet as enamored with this place as Joseph is, but it is growing on me. The culture is different in many more subtle ways as well; ways that are hard to put into words. The people are much more enjoyable than the actual scenery, although I can't complain about the prices of the objects I've seen so far. I'm working on seeking the Lord in everything I do, and not paying attention to worldly motives. We are here to serve HIM. More later.
love.
Molly

Peru #1

I have a Father who truly comes through for me EVERY time I need Him. It is once again almost 3 in the morning, and here I am blogging, and all I can say is how difficult it is for me to express the difference in my attitude after the last 24 hours. If I had more energy, I would detail the exact ways in which God blessed me today, because there were so many, but most of all I need to thank Him for giving me a spirit of strength today. I feel like I've grown as a human being from my experiences today, as cheesy as it sounds. All I did was take one flight by myself and another with a group, but suffice to say it was an experiment in independence.  Like I said, I wish I could describe today's events more thoroughly but I am simply too tired. I am so excited to be here in Peru, though. Praise the Lord!

Molly

P.S. Also, I have a huge amount of love and gratitude for my very good friend Joseph. I would not have fared half as well today without him to help me out. He has been a wonderful, God-given source of comfort and strength. <3

I'm fleeing the country

And my stuff won't fit in my suitcase. I mean, I haven't tried it yet, but I'm fairly certain its too bulky and/or too heavy for the plane. I am freaking. OUT.
But more so because I am lonely. I don't have a relationship or a boy or someone who I can expect texts from, or someone who wants to call and just talk, or someone who wants to spend every waking moment with me. I feel like I'm constantly checking my phone, and feeding off of attention from boys I don't really want or need it from. This is bad.
Dear God,
Please please please allay my fears about this trip and help me to know that it is YOUR will, and not mine that is being done.  I know how little I deserve your peace, but I also know that you will freely give it to me because I need it and you love me. My strongest desire at this point is to earnestly seek you with all I have. You've taken away the barriers that have prevented me from coming to you, and I am so grateful that you are helping me see how important it is to lean on you and only you.  I feel like I've been putting you at the bottom of my priority list...and its time for a few things to change. This is everything. All I have is yours. I love you.
Molly

To whom it may concern:

Face it, Molls. You have nothing left to check. No one is up as late as you are, and no boys want to chat it up with you cause they think you're cute. Give. It. Up. Stop refreshing your Facebook and Twitter pages, and go to bed. It'll be okay. You're exhausted anyway. No, it doesn't matter that your stupid brain is thinking too much for you to fall asleep in a timely manner; the faster you start trying to sleep, the faster you will finally start dreaming. I'm being serious, here. Don't be an idiot. Its a good thing you have friends that know when to stop talking to you cause you're being crazy. He saved you from doing something you know you would regret. Yes, yes I do think you're over him, as strange and alien as that knowledge is.  And guess what? You're still alive. God has given you yet another day in which to serve Him! Praise be to the Lamb for this gift! So stop lazing about and wasting your time; it was given with the hope that you would use it to the fullest for His glory, and not your own immediate gratification. Be happy. The Lord loves you and keeps you as His treasure.
Love,
Your conscience

Tengo que miccionar!!!

I'm giddy when I shouldn't be. Some of it I'm sure stems from the fact that I have an overwhelming urge to miccionar right here in my comfy little bed....but most of it is from the unsolicited attention I have recently received. This should be a blog all about boys; I mean, lets be real here, my life revolves around them a little bit. I had an ambiguous encounter last night with an ex-fling, a lunch time flirtation with an ex-bf and his horny and immoral best friend, and then tonight was hit on by my good friend's former semi-serious boyfriend who later got married to someone else (too young) and is now divorced or in the process of getting a divorce.... I assume this because his facebook relationship status is "single" now.  Also the most recent picture I can find of the two of them is from 2009, so the divorce has to be fairly recent.  Ah, the joys of facebook creeping.  He totally flirted and hugged me for too long outside the movie theatre and then wrote on my fb wall before I'd even made it home...at the risk of sounding a bit egotistical(to the no one who reads this), I apparently made an impression. And now lunch flirtation ex-bf (my very first bf, in fact) is texting me and telling me about how his current girlfriend thinks I'm a threat because I am "little and perfect and (she) can't compete with that." This makes me feel undeservedly and cheaply good about myself, and I have to say I'm a little disgusted with my brain for getting a thrill from it.  But it doesn't end there. He just said that if I were around more (as in, if I lived at home), I'd be a threat to any girl he liked. Hmm. Luckily, after my brain ran a few laps with that tidbit of info, it came to the conclusion that I would be very comfortable telling him no in a one-on-one situation, and still trying to be his friend and talk to him about Jesus.  I'm very glad to know that I don't want to date him....but its also nice when they keep following you around, you know? Once again, probably big-headed of me to say. I am happy to be 100% single. I'm actually very content. Also, I am going to try my level best to keep from making out with anyone outside of a relationship context. And the next relationship I'm in is going to be on my terms, and it is going to be done right, because I have decided to follow Jesus, and He has told me that I deserve better, and I believe Him because He loves me. :)
<3 Molly
 *Whew, I finally relieved my bladder.*

They bring me to you

How am I supposed to be over you when you go out of your way to call me, and your smile makes my heart do backflips? I thought I was almost there.... how little I truly know myself sometimes. 
And yet the feeling is tainted by the fact that you also wanted to talk to that other girl.... that part makes me feel ill. I have no room to complain, I just know your devotion, and I don't want anyone else to have it. I'm selfish as a general rule. You can't have us both! I don't know if you know that you don't have me anymore; I never got to tell you that I'm still angry, and haven't completely forgiven you for what you've done. The tables have turned and now I need to forgive YOU. I'm so confused about what I want. I KNOW I don't need to seek fulfillment from you, or any other silly boys. But its difficult to remember that my trust and hope and love lie elsewhere when you're grinning at me like you do. My resolve is weak. At least I'm up before eleven today.
Dear God, please fill me with your presence today in everything I do, and guide my body to do your will in all things. Help me to know that every single breath I take belongs to YOU and no one else, and that losing myself in you is the only way to find true life.  I believe it, Lord. Help me show it. I love you!
Amen. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQYhWPFDa6Y 
This song touches my heart.


Worthy is the Lamb that was slain...Holy, holy is He. 


Also, the song in the title is by Joshua Radin and its pretty awesome as well :)


<3 Molly

Do I have to keep coming up with titles?

I'm breaking out today. Its grossin me out a whole bunch. And I feel a little sick...Like, I've been coughing and my head feels all full of...pressure. I don't know, its hard to describe. And Wii Fit told me today that my BMI is less than .5 away from being overweight. Seriously.
So basically, I'm a dump of a person and my physical body sucks.
Isn't it wonderful that God has a new body waiting for me when He returns? Right now, I'm going to do a better job of taking care of this one He already gave me. This means no refined sugar or carbs (its so difficult), more exercise, a regular sleep schedule, and lots of vitamins. I'm aiming for health rather than weight loss, but I'm hoping the weight loss will accompany the health. I'll let you know how it goes. And by you I mean.... me. Cause I'm the only one that reads this. Which, if you are a stalker who does not announce his or her presence, I will tell you is more than fine by me. A website is cheaper than a new journal.
I'm going to go be a servant to my siblings now. :)
<3 Molly

This painting makes me happy.

Suckerfish :)

I love this suckerfish. He came from one of my friends' husband's facebook page....I don't know if its creepy that I stole one of his pictures and I've never even met the man. But it made me happy, so I did it. Today I WILL be productive, I will NOT text boys incessantly, and I will NOT care if they don't text me back. Also, being "in love" is such a weird, undefinable thing. I must've been crazy when I wrote that. Part of me was trying to convince myself that I was because I want this particular person to be in love with me back so much....but honestly I haven't been in love since Will. I have this new little thing going on with this other boy, but I think I freaked him out, since he hasn't texted me all day and he usually does when he wakes up. Okay I know, I don't need to jump to conclusions here, and its just a text, and he's just a boy, and we've only been piddlenarfing for a week. I just hate myself for being awkward around him. But its hard when he's awkward around me. Its not even really a thing. I don't even know if I like the kid, I just haven't had time to determine whether or not I do cause we JUST started to get to know each other. Quick sidenote: I had a Matt Hoffmeister dream for the first time in a long time, and it was weird. I think even now I still have some sort of strange attachment/attraction to him, and I haven't seen nor talked to him in weeks. In my dream he said we could never be together, and it made dream-me really sad.  It started with some kind of church function or something where we were sitting at a dinner table ordering food, and someone asked Matt what had happened between us. and Matt was all mysterious, and goes "Basically nothing, but now it really would be nothing if anything were to start up again," meaning, something was different in that he could never like me now. And next I won some sort of drawing in which I received a sparkly ticket from Harding to erase any holds of any amount on my account balance. I examined this ticket in the courtyard of my old elementary school, Nichols Hills Elementary. I hope that courtyard is still there. And then the next thing I remember is driving with a Nate Allison-Matt combination (I knew it was Nate, and at the same time I knew it was Matt) and some shining guy with an ax was chasing the car, only he could run really really fast. But he slowed down as we approached this big barn that was hosting a huge party, and at that point the shiny guy's ax turned into a gun, and he started shooting at all the partygoers. This triggered a response from a bunch of the guests who were apparently allied with the shiny guy, and it turned into a big fight that Nate-Matt and I just drove away from. We stopped at a gazebo, and then the allied warrior people showed up, one of whom was Caleb Hancock. I remember something about a legend, and I was a part of the group, and Nate-Matt loved me, or something. Thats basically the end, though.  

Sooo....I leave for Peru ONE WEEK from today. How weird is that?

Finals Week

I'm reading again. I forgot how fulfilling the love of a good book is. True Colors by Kristin Hannah. Haley Jane Witt said something interesting the other day; she was like "Finals week is my favorite week of the year, cause its just so relaxed. You honestly have more time than any other week." I had never looked at finals week that way, and it was rather eye-opening. I'm glad to have a new perspective.

I went skinny dipping tonight, and although it doesn't seem very daring looking back at the actual events... I feel very accomplished. We looked at the stars for a long time. I got goosebumps from the sheer number of them and the space they took up in the sky, which was absolutely cloudless and a deep indigo color. God was near to us this evening.

The walls are going up again. I forgot how good I am at this...or maybe I've never been quite this good at it. I'm a little scared that I'm really just shoving things inside my little fortress and someday someone's going to attack and the whole thing will just crumble and then explode.... but that is a scary thought, and one I am unlikely to entertain for very long because the walls make it possible for me to be pretty much happy-go-lucky all the time. I feel positive about my life. Is that God's influence or my own avoidance or a real acceptance of the situation??? I can't be sure.

And I feel ill because of it.

1. He's over me. I know the signs.

2. I need to not hold on to things that are lost already.

3. He lied.

4. I need to stop being stupid and start being responsible.

5. I need to make good choices and stop putting things off.

6. I am done clinging so hard.

7. I have some of the best friends ever to support me.

8. I know God has bigger plans for me, if I can take advantage of the opportunities He hands to me and jump into the whirlpool I am on the edge of.

9. I don't need him.

10. I DO need Him.

Stephen McBride you better not be reading this

Seriously. I can't believe I let it slip. I promised myself that I wouldn't! I am ridiculous. Today I was sitting in my Diagnostics class, and I laid my head on my hands because for some reason I seem to only have the urge to nap in every place EXCEPT my own bed. There was a group presenting the language assessment test they had been assigned to explain (the Peabody Picture Vocabulary Test), complete with a cute powerpoint and a made-up case study, so everyone else in class was pretty much silent because they were intent on the presentation. I had started to actually drift off, and the part of me that was still conscious made me sit up very quickly....too quickly. I guess it has something to do with airflow in the lungs or stomach or esophagus or something, but when I sat up, I let out the longest, most disgusting belch I have ever witnessed. Praise be to all that is holy: my mouth was closed. But still. Most. Embarrassing. Thing. Ever. People around me turned to stare and were laughing and asking if I felt okay. And I wanted to be like..."No, which is why I'm going to THROW UP on you right now....ohhh sorry."

Instead I blushed profusely and curled farther into my chair.

When people say college is where you learn more about yourself...they often forget to mention that this learning is a painful process that takes forEVER, and you have to begin from scratch because in reality you know absolutely nothing about what you want or who you are. I confess that I don't trust myself; I don't know whether tomorrow I will feel the same way I feel today, or if these feelings will take a 180. How can I expect anyone to want to be in a relationship with that? How am I supposed to make decisions when my emotional decision-making base flip-flops more than John Kerry? Not even just in relationships; in friendships and classes and the way I choose to use my time. I want to be less of a selfish person. I want to have the constant mindset of others before myself. I want to show Jesus to everyone I come in contact with. And I pray for these things, but just like the prayer to be able to rely more fully on God, the results are totally ambiguous. I am at a loss as to how to practically apply the characteristics I strive for in the context of my bustling life. College. You learn more about who you are and what you want. What about who I want to be? Christian support is a benefit of private institutional education, but something else they don't tell you when coming here is that you have to seek out the support, the guidance, the encouragement. Most times it doesn't show up at your dorm with a smile and a 30 page instruction manual meant specifically to deal with your problems. Conclusion: You know nothing about yourself and are confused as to where you're going in life. Go back to the counselor, you schizo.

I have things to say.

Spring sing weekend and I have a love-hate relationship; this year, its more hate than love. At some level I realize that everyone has struggles, but its hard not to be envious of those who seem to have it all. Maybe I'm a whiner for thinking I have it worse than most people. I don't feel like this all the time, I really don't. I am a positive person! It just... gets more difficult to remind myself of that when everything seems to be going wrong, and I feel lonely even in a crowd of people, all of whom look to be happier than I am. Its not fair. I should be content in all situations, I should never feel alone when I have Jesus, I should rely on Him when I'm feeling down...Things I've heard all my life, but am beginning to realize are not as simple as they sound. What does relying on Jesus even mean? How are we supposed to plan our lives if we leave everything to God? I already feel like I'm relying on Him, and it doesn't help this foul mood. Am I expecting too much? My worldview is changing, and I'm in a whirlpool of transition, flailing like a crazy person to avoid being sucked under. Last year, I stood on the edge of the whirlpool, but backed away before too much could change; I kept up well with my best friends at home, made trips often to see my family, tried and tried to make a bad relationship work because it was familiar, and thought maybe this college thing wouldn't too severely alter my life after all. But God had other plans for me. Take for example, the meanings of words like 'best friend,' 'relationship,' 'good grades,' 'priorities,' 'love' : once upon a time they were all concrete, and now they're in the midst of an extreme makeover, God-style. I guess I should be excited. I know I should be grateful; as it is, I will have to settle for trying.

This is a test post. I'm pretty excited to be doing this right now :)