I have things to say.

Spring sing weekend and I have a love-hate relationship; this year, its more hate than love. At some level I realize that everyone has struggles, but its hard not to be envious of those who seem to have it all. Maybe I'm a whiner for thinking I have it worse than most people. I don't feel like this all the time, I really don't. I am a positive person! It just... gets more difficult to remind myself of that when everything seems to be going wrong, and I feel lonely even in a crowd of people, all of whom look to be happier than I am. Its not fair. I should be content in all situations, I should never feel alone when I have Jesus, I should rely on Him when I'm feeling down...Things I've heard all my life, but am beginning to realize are not as simple as they sound. What does relying on Jesus even mean? How are we supposed to plan our lives if we leave everything to God? I already feel like I'm relying on Him, and it doesn't help this foul mood. Am I expecting too much? My worldview is changing, and I'm in a whirlpool of transition, flailing like a crazy person to avoid being sucked under. Last year, I stood on the edge of the whirlpool, but backed away before too much could change; I kept up well with my best friends at home, made trips often to see my family, tried and tried to make a bad relationship work because it was familiar, and thought maybe this college thing wouldn't too severely alter my life after all. But God had other plans for me. Take for example, the meanings of words like 'best friend,' 'relationship,' 'good grades,' 'priorities,' 'love' : once upon a time they were all concrete, and now they're in the midst of an extreme makeover, God-style. I guess I should be excited. I know I should be grateful; as it is, I will have to settle for trying.