Tuesday, April 27, 2010

And I feel ill because of it.

1. He's over me. I know the signs.
2. I need to not hold on to things that are lost already.
3. He lied.
4. I need to stop being stupid and start being responsible.
5. I need to make good choices and stop putting things off.
6. I am done clinging so hard.
7. I have some of the best friends ever to support me.
8. I know God has bigger plans for me, if I can take advantage of the opportunities He hands to me and jump into the whirlpool I am on the edge of.
9. I don't need him.
10. I DO need Him.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Stephen McBride you better not be reading this

Seriously. I can't believe I let it slip. I promised myself that I wouldn't! I am ridiculous. Today I was sitting in my Diagnostics class, and I laid my head on my hands because for some reason I seem to only have the urge to nap in every place EXCEPT my own bed. There was a group presenting the language assessment test they had been assigned to explain (the Peabody Picture Vocabulary Test), complete with a cute powerpoint and a made-up case study, so everyone else in class was pretty much silent because they were intent on the presentation. I had started to actually drift off, and the part of me that was still conscious made me sit up very quickly....too quickly. I guess it has something to do with airflow in the lungs or stomach or esophagus or something, but when I sat up, I let out the longest, most disgusting belch I have ever witnessed. Praise be to all that is holy: my mouth was closed. But still. Most. Embarrassing. Thing. Ever. People around me turned to stare and were laughing and asking if I felt okay. And I wanted to be like..."No, which is why I'm going to THROW UP on you right now....ohhh sorry."
Instead I blushed profusely and curled farther into my chair.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

When people say college is where you learn more about yourself...they often forget to mention that this learning is a painful process that takes forEVER, and you have to begin from scratch because in reality you know absolutely nothing about what you want or who you are. I confess that I don't trust myself; I don't know whether tomorrow I will feel the same way I feel today, or if these feelings will take a 180. How can I expect anyone to want to be in a relationship with that? How am I supposed to make decisions when my emotional decision-making base flip-flops more than John Kerry? Not even just in relationships; in friendships and classes and the way I choose to use my time. I want to be less of a selfish person. I want to have the constant mindset of others before myself. I want to show Jesus to everyone I come in contact with. And I pray for these things, but just like the prayer to be able to rely more fully on God, the results are totally ambiguous. I am at a loss as to how to practically apply the characteristics I strive for in the context of my bustling life. College. You learn more about who you are and what you want. What about who I want to be? Christian support is a benefit of private institutional education, but something else they don't tell you when coming here is that you have to seek out the support, the guidance, the encouragement. Most times it doesn't show up at your dorm with a smile and a 30 page instruction manual meant specifically to deal with your problems. Conclusion: You know nothing about yourself and are confused as to where you're going in life. Go back to the counselor, you schizo.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

I have things to say.

Spring sing weekend and I have a love-hate relationship; this year, its more hate than love. At some level I realize that everyone has struggles, but its hard not to be envious of those who seem to have it all. Maybe I'm a whiner for thinking I have it worse than most people. I don't feel like this all the time, I really don't. I am a positive person! It just... gets more difficult to remind myself of that when everything seems to be going wrong, and I feel lonely even in a crowd of people, all of whom look to be happier than I am. Its not fair. I should be content in all situations, I should never feel alone when I have Jesus, I should rely on Him when I'm feeling down...Things I've heard all my life, but am beginning to realize are not as simple as they sound. What does relying on Jesus even mean? How are we supposed to plan our lives if we leave everything to God? I already feel like I'm relying on Him, and it doesn't help this foul mood. Am I expecting too much? My worldview is changing, and I'm in a whirlpool of transition, flailing like a crazy person to avoid being sucked under. Last year, I stood on the edge of the whirlpool, but backed away before too much could change; I kept up well with my best friends at home, made trips often to see my family, tried and tried to make a bad relationship work because it was familiar, and thought maybe this college thing wouldn't too severely alter my life after all. But God had other plans for me. Take for example, the meanings of words like 'best friend,' 'relationship,' 'good grades,' 'priorities,' 'love' : once upon a time they were all concrete, and now they're in the midst of an extreme makeover, God-style. I guess I should be excited. I know I should be grateful; as it is, I will have to settle for trying.
This is a test post. I'm pretty excited to be doing this right now :)